


Out In The Cold Night Air

by Nocturnal_Daydreams



Series: Intruding on the Highest Levels [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Confessions, F/M, Fluff, Love Confessions, Memories, Open to Interpretation, Repressed Memories, Sad and Happy, a lot of characters mentioned., beauyasha only mentioned, polynein if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:15:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28933887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturnal_Daydreams/pseuds/Nocturnal_Daydreams
Summary: Jester comforts and confronts Caleb as the tower is dispelled and things start to come out. Once it starts it seems they can't stop.Part 2 to Behind Locked doorsSpoilers to 121 but not 122
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Fjord/Jester Lavorre, Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Series: Intruding on the Highest Levels [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2122110
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	Out In The Cold Night Air

“Caleb!” Jester called out into the snow, “Caleb, stop!”

Still the tall ginger form kept walking into the snow. She almost shouted out his other name. He always stopped at Bren. But she wouldn’t. It isn’t his name. Not now.

“Caleb Frumpkin Widogast! Stop right there!” She yelled out to him.

He looked back at her and it’s now she saw his tears. They shone as he turned but he gave her a confused smile at her call to him. Then he looked to the left of her and seemed then to realise that he could no longer see either the Nine or the Nein and with his expression dropping, forlorn, his knees buckled and kneeled on the snowy ground.

She wasn’t far but she ran anyway. Now close she could smell the alcohol on him. Now she could hear his whispers.

“I just walked away. They could be hurt. What did I do?”

She kneeled in front of him and wrapped her arms around him, one around his shoulders the other on his head she shushed him as she cast Lesser Restoration. It wasn’t great but it would do for now. His whispers never stopped and his sobs were cracking the armour of her heart.

“Caleb. Caleb, they’re okay. Nothing’s wrong. Not even far, it’s just the mist. Gods you smell. What happened?”

Her hand brushed down his hair then underneath down the nape of his neck – soft brushes, soft shushes, even as the harsh iced wind blew.

He held her closer than he ever had before. Sometimes he hugged her back when she hugged him, but not like this, like a man drowning at sea.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have walked. I did such wrong walking away, Jester.”

“It’s going to be okay. Hold on, okay.” She pulled away only enough to pull out the copper wire and grab his hand to let him do the movements he had done a million times before, pointing behind her.

“Veth, are you okay? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.”

A quiet moment passed in an eternity of snowflakes, as he fell into Jester and she continued to rub his neck and sway them both comfortingly.

“It’s okay, Caleb, we’re okay. Fire’s burning and come to a sleeping arrangement. Keep safe. Keep Jester safe.” The whisper came back. His sob came back heavier.

“They’re okay.”

“See? All good.” She whispered, “Now, Caleb, what happened?”

He bit his lip, hard and held her even closer, if he ignored the question it wouldn’t go away but he was still so scared. Drink still blurred the edges and it was the confidence or apathy he required to distance the fear of speaking of it.

“There’s more levels.” He started, she nodded – she knew- and waited for him to continue. He did, “My …my childhood home. Astrid’s room at school. The Nestled Nook Inn. The room where I was…the scars. More. I don’t know which ones they found. Which they saw. But they brought Lucien into The Blushing Tankard.”

She had so many questions but started on the one that would get him to explain more, “How do you know?”

“That’s where I was. A poor, sad, drunk fool. Speaking nonsense. That’s where they found me.”

“Is that why the tower came down?” She asked, taking the rod of hand warming and placing it between them where their shoulders would keep it held. He nodded. She thought for a moment, “You did warn them.”

“I took it down because I was hurt. Embarrassed.”

“But it’s your home, Caleb, its only right to accept privacy.”

He pulled away to look at her with a sincerely thankful but also sceptical and a little amused, the bar dropped, "That's unlike you. A change of heart?"

His chest ached with regret of saying those words as soon as he had. She only smiled, "Consider it an exception to the rule, for now. Now why is all that on the top floor?"

He was about to say it wasn’t the top floor but that was information for when they were all out of the eyes and ears of the Nine. He sighed, "They have ...significance. You're wondering why I was in there.”

“I was wondering why The Blushing Tankard was in there.” She responded. He held the bar up, trying to find words, gaping a little. She grabbed the bar and asked what was on her mind, her eyes and her smile soft, “Because you got to dance with her again?”

His head tilted, “Jester, no. It’s because I danced with you.”

Her smile turned bitter, “Caleb don’t play funny with me. I’m not as dumb as you all think.”

His jaw dropped, “Jester! Why would you even think that?”

“I’m freezing, we should go back.” She stopped looking at him.

Her bag was a little to the side, he opened it, thought of some of his older clothes and set them alight when they came out. He placed it just out of harms way but enough to keep them warm and looked at her with a frown upon his face, “Jester, look at me.”

“Because if you did, why do you never dance with me anymore?”

“You are so much smarter than you pretend to be but I … I am an idiot.”

She scoffed then looked at the bag and the fire, they had so many outfits, he wore one outfit for years and never wanted to take it off, she had tons of outfits and it was his trousers alight beside them. That at least warranted hearing out, “Caleb, what do you mean? Why were you in Hupperdook when they found you?”

It was his eyes that dropped and now he couldn’t look at her. She cupped his face up, forcing it up. He looked scared and sad.

“Don’t make me do this!”

“Why?!”

“Does he light your soul when you kiss him?”

“What?”

“It was sweet, yes. Lovely, yes. But does it hold your heart in its arms?” He sat up properly.

“I…um…” Jester faltered a moment, thinking back, to recall, never wanting to lie to Caleb. He held her hand.

“I ask because it should; you should not, you cannot accept the love if it doesn’t. It is unworthy of you. And unworthy of him. To not love incessantly. ” 

He was watching her with eyes bright and broken, tears still steady, lit by the fire. Jester whispered to calm him while her mind paced, “Caleb…”

“That night will hold my heart in its arms for every moment of my life but yet it never compares to every day I spend with you.” He pressed the ball of his hands into his eyes, wiped, and pulled down. He reached into the bag and threw an old shirt onto their little makeshift fire. Like the greedy creature it was, it was already eating quickly.

She could feel the spin and the turn of the world. Everything was very fast and very warm and freezing and she was looking at him and he couldn’t look at her and …there was no way.

“You’re not saying…”

“I am. I –. I don’t dance with you because I know I’ll tell you I’m more in love with you every moment I have known you and what would be the point? You’ve made no secret of loving him. He hurt you, yes, and you closed that off to be your own woman, so who am I to interrupt? I lost my family with what I did and if inaction could keep me with the Mighty Nein; I could have took it all and more to stay with my new family forever but –”

“But?”

“I’m not as hidden as I hoped. One person clicked. At least. That was okay. Yasha understands what it is to seize your second chance with both hands. Yet, I couldn’t let you think you were second rate or not loved or not appreciated by us all. No one deserves that, least of all you. But I am and have always been foolish. I fooled myself into letting you know in my own ways, until- no, because I was brave and I could take it and could talk it out and pray that I wasn’t left behind and then. Well, I was always prepared for my heart to break but I forgot how it can hurt, it hurt more than I ever remember. Then that purple bastard interrupted all the god damn time, poking and prodding and leaving us unsafe in MY home and asked the question I couldn’t ask and I heard an answer I didn’t know I would hear. But I waited. So I went for catharsis and she…I could not believe… Yasha knows what it’s like so I didn’t, I don’t, I didn’t understand. They found me in the Blushing Tankard and I just felt betrayed and caught out and embarrassed, Beau just got it then Lucien, I couldn’t take it so I dropped the tower then walked away. That they never deserved. You, Fjord, Cad, Veth, definitely didn’t. I just needed a moment. That’s all I had taken in the tower. My moment to compose. Now everyone will know – including Lucien – and I still struggled over telling you like the coward I am.”

Now that was it.

“If you ever say that again, I will break your nose. Do you understand?” She asked then as he was about to tell her he didn’t understand she huffed, “Coward my tail.” 

He nodded, “I am sorry, ja?”

“Best be.” Her yet still angry reaction gave way to calmer emotions, a soft sad look she only ever seemed to give to him, grabbing her oldest shirt in her bag and throwing it on the fire as it had begun to dwindle. She took both his hands. His eyes raised to hers, awaiting her to talk, “Caleb, I wasn’t being a good friend looking out for you. I was nasty to Astrid because I was jealous. Because she was the girl that got away.”

His eyes widened. What was she saying? “Jester –,”

“Shut up a minute.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you. You have supported me through everything, Caleb. I wouldn’t have shown my true emotions half as much if you hadn’t been there to let me know it’s okay to be sad and it is okay to still be sad when your friends want to make you happy and that the only glad you are in that moment is glad that they want to help. There is so much that I see through like glass because of where I came from and so much I don’t yet understand because of where I came from and you understand me on both. You saw me turn purple when you told me I’m the one who changes people and you think you didn’t have a chance?”

“…Yeah.”

“You are more foolish than you seem. When Fjord stood back in to the light after earning it and showing his sincerity, it blew my mind. I didn’t expect anyone, I just knew it was time I didn’t close the doors on my heart anymore. I love you and have loved you, Caleb. I love and have loved Fjord. I have had many a crush through and outwards of the Mighty Nein. It is not bad to be caught having loved, Caleb. I don’t know about my kiss with Fjord, my honest answer is there was both a lot and yet nothing and I highly suspect, any kiss would be like that right now. Because we could be about to watch it all die and no kiss is going to change that outcome. So we accept all these things as facts; we stick a pin in it; go back to the group. If these things are facts they are not some words to be used against as by Lucien. After things are okay, we all try to understand. But know this Caleb. Be what may not a one of us will ever leave the Mighty Nein. We aren’t just some do-good-ing switchers, we are connected by the heart for here on out. Never to be removed. Whenever you told me of your love would change nothing about that. Why do you think we’re dealing with Lucien for so long? Molly is still one of the Mighty Nein. We don’t leave one another.” 

With that she cupped his cheeks and chastely kissed him on the lips. There was a surge of current that neither of them spoke about, a blush neither pointed out and the distracted apathy that comes with the worry that all your found family is about to die.

Caleb wiped his tears and laughed then pulled her closer for a hug than he ever had before.

“I love you, Jester Lavorre.” He said and the words didn’t feel like a loaded shotgun, they felt like the relief of a spell well done.

“And I love you, Caleb Widogast.” She replied and he could hear the smile and relief.

“And I love them,” He added, helping her stand, kicking snow on the fire.

“So much.” She continued, wrapping an arm around him and picking up her bag from the floor.

As they walked the hundred or so feet back to the group, he asked, “I should have realised it wasn’t as easy as being kicked out long ago, shouldn’t I?”

“Yes. But we’ll allow it. We’ve all had those thoughts. That’s how we ended up like this.” She responded, half joking.

When they got back the Nein were sat worried, the Nine were looking at Lucien like he had been the one to take away their beds. He was. He still had a smirk like he had one big weakness to hone in on. Caleb wasn’t about to tell him different. He apologised to everyone but backed up the statement, eyes on Lucien, that the main rule had in fact been broken. He made the dome and for the first and only time the Nein and Nine all huddled in. Fjord held him into a close hug and whispered how any information should have been Caleb’s to tell then offered to eldritch blast anyone in the face who intruded on his memories unannounced again. Caduceus gave him a wink and Veth nearly went mental on all ends until he asked to redo her braids, requiring her to still for a while. He apologised again to Yasha and Beau who did the same in turn. The question of the rooms they visited hung in the air but they did not ask so he did not tell. Maybe next time the tower went up. It was about time he stopped holding secrets so close to the chest now. It would be okay.

Because even as the sky fell the Mighty Nein would hold.


End file.
